The yellow sick road

By Nik Butler

Am I the only one who wonders if the inevitable Yellow Sick Road which is soon to be officially unveiled along West Street is not quite how I remember it being promised?

I feel somewhat underwhelmed as I stride purposefully onto that retail concourse. The workforce who have consciously strived at pulling, cutting, wedging, smoothing and laying stone have done so to the remit and the costs provided.

All I am left with is an echo of the sentiment I feel we all shared when the Shelly Fountain was unveiled: ‘Is that it?’

The tiny guttering to attract coins, cards and keys, the apparently familiar bleak gray stones only serving to act as counterpoint to those brighter yellow swathes. This leaves me thinking that some rogue pressure washer had a drunken walk home along the street whilst hosing away some of the grime and gum. I feel a sense of taxpayers remorse will set in.

Certainly the event marking its opening day will attract a few and spending will go up as it inevitably does. Then as the crowds pall and car parks empty I feel we are left with a street whose paving appears to have been the winning crayoned submission to a Blue Peter drawing competition created by a five year old.

Still, as long as life is going to give us lemons and other yellow coloured opportunities we should make the lemonade or possibly squeeze the juice into our opponents eyes then run away. We should wait for the inevitable Google maps update and check to see if the new design forms some sort of MAD Fold artwork. Suddenly revealing some hidden clue in a Dan Brownesque puzzle thus revealing the location of Horsham Districts hidden wealth and spare housing capacity.

Quite possibly passing aliens seeing the new design will mistake them for an galactic landing strip making first contact a Caffè Nero experience to remember. Speaking of runways maybe these strange designs will cause vertigo in pilots thereby deterring investment in a second runway at Gatwick.

Granted my suggestions are all ridiculous and tinged with a hint of fantasy but such ideas are no more outrageous than those suggesting pavement economic prosperity. By surprising coincidence the opening occurs well within time for pantomime season, so possibly we will see a few wicked witches and fairy godmothers wands then Horsham shall go to the ball after all!

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